learning how to love myself

again and again and again

it was just over seven years ago, jan 2019, when I embarked on my first silent meditation retreat. it was a metta retreat, metta meaning loving-kindness. it was an 8 day retreat. and I remember one moment vividly. it was day 6. I was sitting in the meditation hall. 6 days into doing this practice, repeating the same phrases from early morning to late evening.

if you’re not familiar with loving-kindness meditations, the essence is you send well wishes to yourself, those you have various depths of relations with, and eventually to all beings.

for my life to that point, I struggled with a deep deep deep inner critic. one that ran so deep I didn’t even have the awareness of when it was there, or not. it subconsciously stomped on every flicker of truth. often with brutal force. force that would manifest in countless ways.

it was on this day 6, where we were sending these well wishes to a difficult person, where while sitting on the cushion in the meditation hall, and later in walking meditation on a hill, my heart cracked open. in a manner I didn’t even realize how closed it was. in a manner I didn’t even realize I was only meeting and engaging life from the shoulders up.

tears started pouring down my face. and a well of radiant sensation filled my chest. in a manner, that at that point in my life, I didn’t experience.

I feel called to share this story, because what i’m realizing is that so much of my personal path is deepening this well of love for myself, and thus meeting others with an even deeper well of love, compassion, grace, and harmony.

i've continued to learn that even more recently, these critics, who some have been with me for generations and generations and generations, are simply learning how to forgive. learning how to trust. and thus learning how to love. and what I continue to see is that this isn't just my story. it's the story of so many people i've sat with, worked with, walked alongside.

I feel that i’m seeing more clearly now than what i’ve yet to see in my life. and that all the pain and suffering that’s happening in our world, can start to crack open with a deepening of the heart.

I hope that if you’re reading this, it’s meeting you in a manner where you feel safe and encouraged and invited to open and lead with a radiant heart. as what I continue to learn again and again and again, your heart is what holds the keys to your deep truth. your why. with much much love. xo.